Michael Thomas Jones
Michael Thomas Jones will probably never get around to owning any pet cranes, but he would still like to be a sage of some kind. Even more, he would like to be able to ignore the way his belly oddly squashes into his blue jeans. Perhaps this is what encourages him to spend his time licking the dust off computer screens. Unfortunately, that is also what perpetuates the remarkable tuberous quality of his figure, when he should instead be going outside to get all musclebound and marblelike for the sake of the kingdom. Rest assured Michael Thomas Jones is resolved to atone for his general lack of man candy qualities by melting himself down and pouring his bad chunky self into the niftiest psychic ice trays he can find.
He spends more time than one should maneuvering the-floor-is-lava labyrinths, and not enough time hugging his chums and chamber fellows. He has a few thousand stories that he probably shouldn’t tell you, for his stories are merely thoughts that flutter like butterflies over a black hole. He certainly cannot speak in tongues. His accomplishments are nearly void, and if he keeps whittling he’ll be even closer!
Caleb Joseph Warner
Caleb Joseph Warner is most well-known for being the author of four books that no one has read. He is a very serious man and has worked alongside an eclectic group of people, most notably the acclaimed author Caleb Joseph Warner. He has a half-brother named Caleb Joseph Warner, who was tragically halved from Caleb Joseph Warner in an accident that involved a head-on collision with a car-sized table saw. Caleb Joseph Warner is a big fan of the author, Caleb Joseph Warner. Caleb Joseph Warner—Caleb Joseph Warner!
Caleb Joseph Warner has three favorite kinds of pizza. His first favorite kind of pizza is pepperoni pizza, because is tastes the best Caleb Joseph Warner. His second favorite kind of pizza is sausage pizza, because it makes his stomach feel the silliest. His favoritest favorite kind of pizza, however (and lastly), is veggie-table pizza, because it is the healthiest to eat Caleb Joseph Warner. And that is the best reason to like a pizza. While Caleb Joseph Warner enjoys pepperoni pizza, sausage pizza, and veggie-table pizza, his favorite is veggie-table, because it is the healthiest Caleb Joseph Warner.