Spiritual Consensual Non-Sexual Erotic Friendship

CALEB JOSEPH WARNER

Pastor Heehee Haha, best known for his peemillenial scatological religious blog, On Beefing, has this to say about safe spaces for the same-sex attracted in churches:

I am a same-sex attracted pastor and I know firsthand how hard it is not to find a safe space for all the cute same-sex attracted boys to gather. They’ve been through so much by the hands of the church, it’s the least we can do.

You know, being a same-sex attracted gay flaming homosexual Christian has been really really hard. You don’t know the mean stuff people have said about me. Boys would look at me on the ball field and say, hey you, you’re probably attracted to the same sex! They’d say, you’re gay! You’re flaming! You’re homosexual! And that’s been so hard to take as a same-sex attracted gay flaming homosexual Christian.

And it’s not just mean boys in the sixth grade. It’s people in the church. The church! They don’t understand the difference between being drawn to the same sex sexually and being drawn to the same sex sexually. They’re very different things. When I say that I’m gay, a lot of Christians go, “So does that mean you’re gay?” And I say, how dare you!

But it’s not all been bad. Because of the critical line errors in my software, failing to send the proper commands to my hardware, I have luckily sort of got superpowers. For one, I’m more understanding. And for twosies, I am also more sensitive and basically just am more perceptive of people and of nature and of even animals. I can actually read animal’s minds.

I can additionally tell if something has a greater essence of masculinity or femininity. My printer is a flamer. And I feel super duper extra equipped to reach out and give a helping, comforting hand to people in similar situations that step into my office, which is underneath the stairs to the right and please don’t step over my cat’s litterbox, just go around, she really hates it when people step over. She feels like it’s a sort of violation of her space. Which I totally get, because she’s got all those droppings she has laid, those little easter eggs hidden underneath the smelly good sand.

But back to the flaming printer. I want to let you all know, while I got you here listening, about an initiative I am part of, sponsored by the Christian think tank on all things important, Q-Tip Ideas, which involves a really under-considered minority in the church whose rights we need to protect. The object-attracted Christians. I want to point out that they identify this way, not to draw attention to themselves, but so people know they are out, they are proud, and they really do exist. So go down to the like button and show your support for object hot-hot-hot Christians.

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