For the weakest, this is a story without any trouble, sharp edges, dirtiness, violence, acidity, danger, hate, and evil.
I considered putting unicorns into this story, with the addition of a pillow over their horn. But this wouldn’t do, because the characters would know that the pillow was preventing danger.
A butterfly wouldn’t do, because they are so delicate, that a harsh wind would blow them into the side of a brick building. And I need harsh winds, if the farmers are going to get any hearty storms for their fields.
After the unicorn and butterfly, I thought a rainbow might do. You know, as a backdrop.
But then I remembered that news story about the child who fell off the top of a cliff looking for the pot of gold.
When the unicorn, butterfly, and rainbow were out of the question, I could not think of anything more or less happy and sufficient to include than these three options. And since happiness and sufficiency are the farthest apart from any danger, I did not think a story was possible.
But then I thought about a romance. Granted, it is not an object for me to do with as I please. It’s an abstract concept. But starting from there, I made my way towards things that actually exist.
There was the woman and the man, I thought. And from there, obviously, children. But before I went any further – pets, then grandchildren – I recalled that the divorce rate is very high right now. And, if I am not mistaken, there is a direct correlation between divorce and love.
So, I figured that I would have to change my perception and eliminate any abstract concepts that hinder me. If, for a moment, I could assume that divorce is not evil or sharp, I might still have something in the material world to write about.
Besides, danger and hate are merely possibilities that do not have to exist. As long as there is not a material thing bearing the marks of the abstract, they do not exist. While divorce certainly comes from love, it does not always have to.
So, I thought, if I simply retain control of my characters and eliminate any negative possibilities, I could also keep the story edgeless and pointless. And this would be the best story, one whose meaning is found solely in the physical things that happen to objects. I then reflected on my unnecessary exclusion of the unicorn, butterfly, and rainbow. They could have happily existed, provided that I do not include anything that suggests the abstraction of morality.
Once upon a time, there was a man and woman. They loved each other very much. And their love was so pure that they bought a circular coffee table. From this perfect coffee table, there came a child who loved them very much. This child, who had no definable characteristics – except that they were perfect – grew up to have a perfect job. He was not a lawyer.
“Hello.” the loving woman said.
“Hello.” said the sweet man.
“I am here to love you.” she said.
“As am I.”
The child observed them, for that was his favorite activity. Nothing pleased him more than to see love in action. Love, of course, was something he did not need to understand, because it could not be. Love was the physical action of a man making an object with a woman.
“Let us love.” she said.
Just then, she got out the waffle iron and heated it up. The man, wanting to help, got the batter out of the cupboard.
“This is the batter for the waffle iron.” he said.
“Thank you sweet man. Here is the waffle iron for the batter.” she said.
They shared a laugh, because the batter and the waffle iron reminded them of their own relationship.
After pouring the batter into the waffle iron and waiting a few moments, they lifted the waffle out and exclaimed together, “And this is our sweet child!”
As they brought the waffle towards him, like the happiest funeral procession, the man tripped on the child’s pet.
The waffle flew in the air towards the child’s face and the woman merely stood there. The man went down quickly, his jaw first hitting the black and white tile floor.
When he propped himself up, his jaw hung loosely from his face, bloodless and joyful.
“Oh thank whoever,” the woman said, “you’re jaw has been set free from its previously delightful state! This is an equal joy as before!”
The man showed that he would have laughed by swinging his body back and forth, his jaw like a chandelier.
“Oh, and junior has already started eating.” she said.
When the waffle hit the child’s face, he immediately began to eat.
And everything was okay in this nameless household.